Beautiful Drug
by piratewench78
Summary: Beverly's gone and Deacon's struggling with how to handle it. Future fic with vaguely spoiler-y content. ONE SHOT.


_I got a death wish / Her looks can kill / She's got a red dress / Lipstick and heels / Pull me in, get me hooked like a junkie / You got me feeling so high_

 _You're such a beautiful drug / I can't get enough / Addicted and I'm dying for a hit of your love / Got a death wish baby, baby / Don't want you to save me, save me_

 _She lets her hair down / And all of mine stand up / Can't help but stare now / Gotta feel that touch / Her kiss, my fix, so sweet / Can't quit those lips are a habit to me / Sweet intoxication and I'm never getting sober / I can tell that the effects are taking over / Pull me in, get me hooked like a junkie / You got me feeling so high_

 _You're such a beautiful drug / I can't get enough / Addicted and I'm dying for a hit of your love / Got a death wish baby, baby / Don't want you to save me, save me / Tonight_

 _You're such a beautiful drug / I can't get enough / I'm addicted and dying for a hit of your love / I'm losing it, baby / Keep driving me crazy, crazy_

 _Going out of my mind / Staring at you / Burning up in your fire that I've fallen into / Got a death wish baby, baby / Don't want you to save me, save me / Tonight_

* * *

He walked out of the bar without a word to anyone. The way he'd been feeling, it hadn't been the best environment for him to be in, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let her think she'd died in vain. It had been so long since he'd been to Natchez that he really didn't know anyone anymore. Scarlett had asked him to come and, even though he was still angry at her, he needed to pay his respects to Beverly.

Rayna hadn't come. She had a lot on her plate between everything going on at her label and managing what was happening with the girls because of Teddy. Although he knew she'd have come if he'd asked, he thought she was secretly glad to skip it. He didn't blame her. She'd tried to win Beverly over, years ago, but his sister had held on to her bitterness, blaming Rayna for luring him away. Of course, Beverly had also blamed _him_ for leaving her, even though it had been her choice to stay in Natchez.

He stood on the sidewalk outside the bar, rubbing his hands over his face. He took a deep breath and then squeezed his eyes shut to stop the tears that threatened. It had been a tough few weeks. Really longer than that. From the moment he'd woken up in the recovery room until this very day, he'd lived through a series of highs and lows unlike anything he'd experienced since the days he'd been a drunk.

"You're not leaving, are you?" came the voice from behind him.

He turned to face Scarlett, standing just outside the door. Even in the darkness, he could see her eyes looked tired, her face looked worn, she looked like someone who'd lost everyone she loved in the world. Which she kinda had, he supposed. God, he wanted to hug her, but he still couldn't get past the fact that she'd pulled the plug on Beverly. Of course, she hadn't literally done that, but she'd given the okay, even after he'd begged her, pleaded with her, yelled at her not to do it.

" _Don't do this," he begged her._

 _She looked at him with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen. "She's my mama. And I love her. And she would not want to be like this," she told him, her voice calm but heartbroken._

" _Then let her live," he pleaded._

 _Her eyes filled with tears. "She ain't coming back from this, Deacon," she said softly. "Not this time. You heard what the doctor said. She's brain dead. If we don't let her go, she won't ever get any peace."_

 _He walked over to her and gripped her by the arms, shaking her, his face right in hers. "You don't know that!" he shouted. "A miracle could happen!"_

 _She looked at him with fear, something he never thought he'd see in her face. She closed her eyes then. "It's my decision," she said, her voice firm. "She would want me to do this. For her. For us. So we can move on." She opened her eyes and looked at him, a steely determination replacing the fear._

 _He stood looking at her for a moment and then roughly pushed her away, turning and stalking out of the hospital room._

He hadn't talked to her since. Not even to plan the funeral. She had asked him to, but he'd turned away from her. Rayna had tried to convince him to do at least that, but he'd refused. And now, here she stood, looking at him almost dispassionately, as though she'd lost the ability to care.

"I can't do this," he said, with a frown. "We shouldn't be doing this at all."

She sighed. "Thank you for coming," she said, ignoring what he'd said. Then she teared up a little and looked away. He watched as she reached up and swiped at her eyes. "I know it was hard for you," she said, not looking at him. "I really appreciate that you came."

He took a deep breath and stuck his hands in his pockets, rolling his shoulders forward. "I didn't do it for you. I did it for her," he said.

She looked back at him and nodded. "I know. I appreciate it all the same." She tilted her head slightly to one side. "I know you don't believe this, but it was really hard for me to let her go. She told me that she wished she'd been a better mama and that she loved me." She choked on a sob. "It was the only thing I ever wanted to hear from her," she said, her voice nearly a whisper.

He raised his eyebrows. "So, I came. Now I gotta get back to Nashville."

She nodded. "Okay."

He hesitated for just a moment. She looked devastated and, for a moment, he wanted to be able to tell her it would be alright. But it wouldn't. Beverly was dead, all because she donated her liver to _him_ , and then Scarlett had let her go, too soon. He couldn't. He wasn't ready to forgive her for that. For taking away his chance to repair things with his sister, to show his gratitude for her sacrifice. He shook his head and then turned and walked to the parking lot.

* * *

He sat in his truck, tears threatening yet again. He had a long drive back to Nashville. He was beginning to wish he'd never come here, even though it was nice that the folks at the bar where she'd performed wanted to pay tribute to her. Beverly had made a name for herself in this part of Natchez and had a lot of loyal followers, as it turned out. Hearing all the kind words about his sister had not only touched his heart, but made him realize there was a lot about Beverly Claybourne O'Connor that he hadn't known and hadn't taken the time to know. When he thought about how difficult their lives had been and how strained and hard their relationship had been over the years, he'd felt a lot of regret for not trying harder. All being here had done was remind him of that.

He took a deep breath and rubbed his face. Then he pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Rayna. He got her voice mail, as he expected, since he knew she was at the Bluebird that night with Markus Keen. Hearing her voice made him smile. "Hey, baby," he said. "I'm leaving Natchez now. Not sure I should have come, but it was good hearing all the nice things people had to say about Beverly. I promise I won't drive straight through. I'll stop somewhere for the night and I'll see you tomorrow." He paused. "I love you, Ray," he added, his voice trailing off as he considered how much she supported him. Then he disconnected and started his truck.

* * *

There wasn't much traffic on the interstate as he drove north towards Jackson. It was late – after ten – and he'd already decided he wouldn't drive much past midnight. It wouldn't get him even halfway back to Nashville, but it had been a long day and he was tired. It wouldn't do any good to keep driving. Besides, he was mindful of the fact that Beverly had given her own life to give life to him, and he didn't want to squander that. Even though he really just wanted to be home, in bed, with Rayna, he wasn't going to let her death be in vain.

Rayna was the one who'd convinced him he needed to come. In the days and weeks after Beverly died, he'd had a hard time focusing on anything. Nothing seemed to matter. He hadn't wanted to come down here, face his past. He hadn't wanted to face the fact that Beverly was gone, that she wasn't coming back. He didn't want to listen to a bunch of strangers talk about her. But, in the end, it had given him some comfort, knowing that people had appreciated her, that her music had touched them. That she'd had some success at this and that she'd apparently enjoyed it.

It had been several days after the surgery before Rayna had told him about Beverly, about the aneurysm and the fact that she was in a coma. The first few days after he'd woken up were filled with his own pain and slowly being disconnected from various tubes and needles. He knew the surgery had been successful, because Rayna kept telling him that. She'd told him how he had come through it without a problem and that everything looked good and that he was going to fully recover. The doctors told him that too, but it meant more coming from her. He'd seen the sadness and anxiousness around her eyes, even though she was all smiles. He'd thought it was just the stress of the weeks and months that had led up to this and then the surgery itself.

Eventually she'd told him the rest of it though. About Teddy, first, and how that was impacting the girls. And then finally about Beverly. As he listened to her tell him about how Beverly had flatlined and how difficult it had been for them to revive her initially, he'd felt a tightness in his chest that had nothing to do with the pain in his abdomen. He felt such incredible guilt and, even though Rayna and Scarlett told him over and over again that it had been Beverly's choice, he couldn't help feeling like it was his fault. His sickness, yet again, had damaged someone else.

As soon as he was able to, he sat with her for as long as he could. When he was released from the hospital, he had Rayna or Scarlett bring him every day. And when he could drive again, he started spending as much time as he could by her side, talking to her, singing to her, pleading with her to wake up. Rayna had worried about him, trying to convince him to stay at home, but he couldn't. Beverly was in this position because of him and the least he could do was be there with her, so she wasn't alone.

He'd been there when she'd first started to come out of the coma and he'd been there when she opened her eyes the first time, and for that he was grateful. He'd been there when they took the breathing tube out and he'd been encouraged by her progress over the next several days. But then, while he was gone, thinking she was on the road to recovery, she'd had the second aneurysm and the doctors had said she was "brain dead".

He heard it, but he couldn't comprehend it. He couldn't let go. Even Rayna had tried to reason with him, but he hadn't wanted to listen. He'd wanted to keep her alive, hoping that something would change, but he was told he had no rights where his sister was concerned, that it was a decision for Scarlett. So Scarlett told them to turn off the machines and right now he just couldn't forgive her for that.

He really had thought this would be their chance to mend fences, to once and for all get rid of the bad blood that had been between them since he'd left Natchez when he was seventeen years old. He could change – he'd told her that – he didn't know why he'd let it go on like this for all those years. He _would_ change. He'd let her live in his house and they'd have family dinners and the girls would get to know their Aunt Beverly. He wiped at the tears that streaked down his face. Now none of that was going to happen.

It was after 1 AM when he saw an interstate exit with lots of signs indicating hotels and motels. He pulled off and got a room at the first place he saw. He really didn't think he could sleep, but as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was done.

* * *

He'd only been on the road a short time the next morning when his phone buzzed. He smiled when he saw Rayna's name pop up and he hit the speaker button. "Hey, baby," he said.

"Hey," she said, happiness in her voice. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"Already on the road. So, how did things go last night?"

"Really good. It was good to get Markus in that kind of environment and he got to try out some things we'd been working on. He's got good buzz."

He grinned. "Good. I'm glad that's working out. So, I'll be back in Nashville after lunch, I think."

"I can't wait to see you. But I've got to be in the office today. Will Lexington's coming in."

He frowned a little. Rayna had told him a little bit about what had been going on with Will, and he knew Luke Wheeler had dropped him from his label, but he'd been too caught up in everything with Beverly to really pay a lot of attention. "Are you gonna sign him?"

"I want to talk to him. I feel so bad for him about what happened to him with Luke." She sighed. "Deacon, I just don't understand why this town is so small-minded about gay artists. He's a solid songwriter, especially the stuff he's written with Kevin Bicks, and he's a great performer. I mean, look at Brandy Clark. She's getting good traction and even got nominated for a CMA. So I want to give him a chance. If he wants to take it." He could hear the passion in her voice as well as her irritation about his situation.

He smiled. "I think Highway 65 would be the best place for him. I know you'll take good care of him, Ray. You can convince him, I know it."

"Thanks, babe. I think he's just really fragile right now, so I want to approach it real carefully, you know?"

"I do. You'll make it happen."

She was silent for a moment. "So how was it in Natchez?"

He took a deep breath. "We'll talk about it when I get back, okay?"

"Okay. I'll see you tonight, babe. I love you. Drive safe."

He smiled. "I will. I love you too."

* * *

 _You're such a beautiful drug / I can't get enough / Addicted and I'm dying for a hit of your love / Got a death wish baby, baby / Don't want you to save me, save me / Tonight  
_

He was about a half hour outside of Nashville when he heard the song. When he heard the words, they instantly took him back to that morning when he sat on his porch with Coleman. It was the morning after Rayna had showed up on his porch and told him she loved him. It was back before he knew about Maddie, so before their lives were upended. But that was when Coleman told him Rayna was a drug for him, that he was addicted to her. He'd argued it, told Coleman that Rayna was just the love of his life. He realized later that there was a kernel of truth to Coleman's statement, but after all the years they'd spent apart, when they finally found their way back to each other this last time, it really was the love that had brought them there. This time they were doing it all right. So while it was true that he couldn't get enough of her, it also really was true love.

He smiled to himself as he made the decision to drive downtown and meet her at her office. He needed to see her, hold her, remind himself of what he had left to live for.

* * *

When he walked into Highway 65's front entrance, he could see her in her office. She was talking to Bucky and they were deeply engrossed in conversation. He thought about how much he loved her, how she'd willed him to stay hopeful when he'd wanted to give up, and how she'd been there for every step of the journey that could have been their last. She was so beautiful, truly stunning, but it was the beauty inside her that was why he loved her. Her kind and generous spirit, her fierce loyalty and support of the people she loved, her passion for people and things that mattered. He watched her as she was talking animatedly, her hands moving, leaning in towards Bucky, sitting on the opposite side of her desk. It was something that mattered, because he could see it in her face, in her expression.

 _God, I love that woman. More than breath._

She turned then and her face lit up when she saw him, her smile filled with love. He could see her wave off Bucky and hurry around her desk and out into the hall. He met her halfway and took her in his arms, lifting her off her feet and kissing her.

"I didn't know you were coming here," she said, as she wound her arms around his neck and smiled happily.

He grinned at her and set her down. "I couldn't wait to see you," he said. He kissed her again. "I missed you."

She put a hand on his face, smiling up at him. She knew her employees were watching, but she didn't care. They knew her family was the most important part of her life. "I missed you too." She took his hand and led him back towards her office. "I want you to tell me about it."

He let her lead him, raising a hand at Bucky as they passed his office. When they got to her office, he sat in one of the chairs facing her desk and she sat in the other one, taking his hand in both of hers, leaning in towards him as she ran her thumbs over his hand. He cleared his throat as she looked at him expectantly. "There were a lot of people there, Ray," he said, feeling emotional as he said it. "She had a lot of loyal followers. People who came to see her most every night she was there."

Rayna nodded, remembering the night she'd stopped in to hear Beverly perform. "She was really good," she said softly. "She always was."

He looked down, shaking his head. "If only I'd brought her with me…."

Rayna squeezed his hand and he looked up at her. "Don't," she said. "She made a choice back then. I know she thought it was me, but it wasn't. We didn't even know each other then. I think she was scared, Deacon. Just like I was scared. And you were scared. She just made a different choice."

He nodded sadly. "I know." He breathed in, rubbing his face with his other hand. "I still can't believe she's gone," he said softly, his voice catching with his emotion.

"I know. But you can't take that on yourself. Or put it on Scarlett." She could feel him tense. "Deacon, you know she made the only choice she could."

He scowled and shook his head. "She might've…"

Rayna shook her head. "No, she wouldn't. You know that," she said gently. "You know, I understand why you didn't want to give up. But you _did_ get a chance to make amends. You both did. When she woke up, she had love in her heart and she expressed it, to all of us. She wanted to help you live and she did that. She would not want you to blame Scarlett. You know that too."

He breathed in, his eyes filling with tears. "I wanted more time, Ray," he whispered. "I needed more time."

"I know," Rayna said softly. "You and Scarlett both needed that." He stiffened up again and she tugged on his hands. "Don't, babe. Don't turn away from her. You were all she had for a long time, you were the one she relied on. Now she needs you more than ever. She's suffering too. Please don't push her away."

He sighed deeply. "I just thought…I don't know, that it was too soon." He looked at her, his eyes filled with sorrow. "It just hurts a lot right now. You know?"

She sat, holding his hand, looking in his eyes, and nodded. Then she stood up, pulling him up with her. "Let's go home. I've done everything I need to here today. Let's you and me go home, okay?"

He nodded, then pulled her into an embrace. As he felt her meld her body into his and he felt her warmth as her arms encircled him and held him close and he began to draw on her strength, he started to feel a little bit like he could finally move forward.

 _ **The song is "Beautiful Drug" by Zac Brown Band.**_


End file.
